One of the most in-demand trainings across all kinds of companies is: “How to give good feedback to a collaborator.” It is almost always targeted at mid-level managers and leaders.
And the question I ask myself is: why isn’t this training requested so that employees can give feedback to their directors? Companies would make a huge leap if feedback could travel upward from the bottom. They would save a lot of money, prevent misunderstandings, avoid wrong or repetitive work, and reduce tensions… In other words, if I had to bet all my money on red or black, I would bet that people in companies learn to give feedback to their bosses.
And for starters, it’s not normal. It’s almost never done. And, when it’s attempted, a terrifying question arises: “How do I say it without making them angry?”
The Experience of Interpretation
My work as an actor taught me something completely different. Actors do give feedback to directors. Very often. Sometimes, too often! So, why when an actor tells a director that a scene isn’t working, no one gets offended?
In a rehearsal, actors continually give feedback to the director. “This line sounds fake.” “I don’t understand why my character enters here.” And vice versa: the director corrects, proposes, discards. No one leaves crying. No one is left brooding that “he said that in front of everyone.” And we’re talking about professionals with huge egos and crystal-clear hierarchies.
Why does it work?
Because there’s always something in between the actor and the director. Something both are looking at: The scene, the character, the play… When the actor says “this isn’t working,” he isn’t telling the director “you’re doing it wrong,” he’s telling both: “what we’re building still isn’t standing on its own yet.” Feedback isn’t aimed at the director; it lands in the scene.
In companies, that almost never exists, or exists but is so blurry that it’s useless. “The business,” “the objectives,” “the strategy”… are words too big to sustain a difficult conversation. So, when an employee says “I don’t think that was the best decision,”, that comment has nowhere to land. It goes straight to the boss, to his ego, to his position, to his authority. And he takes it very hard. Of course! We haven’t given him any other exit.
Let me give you a very simple, everyday example. Imagine your boss launched a marketing campaign three months ago and the results aren’t coming in. You see it clearly; you have to tell him. There are two ways to do it:
- Option A: “You were wrong about the campaign you launched. I told you it wasn’t going to work.”
- Option B: “Hey, can we look at the campaign data together? There’s something in the numbers that doesn’t add up, and I’m not sure I’m interpreting it correctly.”
Same thing. The goal is exactly the same: that your boss realizes the campaign isn’t working and decides what to do next.
But Option A goes straight at his ego. “The campaign you launched.” “I told you it wasn’t going to work.” You’re holding up a mirror to his failed decision. There’s nowhere to retreat. Either he concedes (and acknowledges his error in front of you) or he defends himself. Usually he defends himself. And since the best defense is an attack: get ready!
Option B puts something in the middle: the data. “Can we look at it together?” It’s no longer you and him; it’s the two of you, looking at a chart. And, moreover, “I’m not sure I’m interpreting this correctly.” gives him the role of expert, not the accused. When you both look at the numbers, the numbers will speak for themselves. And your boss will arrive at the same conclusion as you, but having thought it through himself.
It may seem like a cheap political trick. It isn’t. It’s exactly the opposite: it’s about stopping politics and starting to look at reality together.
Notice one thing: just as a good leader helps you arrive at your own conclusions more with questions than with orders, you can do the same with your boss. It isn’t a technique reserved for those in charge. It’s simply a smarter way to talk when the other person has to reach a conclusion on their own.
Because no one changes their mind because they’re told to. Not even bosses. Especially bosses.
If tomorrow you have to tell your boss something uncomfortable, don’t start with the phrase; start ten minutes earlier, deciding what you’ll look at together as you talk. It’s not so much what you say as where the two of you are looking when you say it.
And the best part is that this can be trained. As with almost everything that truly matters in a company, it’s best learned by rehearsal than by reading.
Coté Soler, actor, producer and entrepreneur and CEO of BeLiquid.
